See me: a young, bubbly, and personable black woman who has overcome a lot in her life. See me hosting a popular student radio show, interning at high-powered offices, confronting racist and sexist standards on campus and beyond. See me graduate. See me become a young, doubtful, inexperienced, and somewhat anxious black girl. Upon graduating from college, alien anxiety has become familiar to the point where I have literally rewritten my narrative. Now, I do feel the need to point out that I have never been clinically diagnosed with anxiety. I am still doing my research on therapists and methods to cope with these new insecurities. Various let-downs and disappointments have drawn me into a state of anxiousness. But those are stories for another day. If I were to sit down with a therapist (which I do plan on doing at some point), and we aired out all of my baggage, I’m convinced that they would come to the same conclusion regarding my mental state. For some reason, “adulting” has a very ugly and often sad way of really tapping on your most negative emotions. Anxiety is actually a pretty common thing, especially in a modern age where ultra-connectivity encourages us to hide our innermost truths, exposing only the highlight reel. Even though I know this; even though every once in a while I have a healthy cry with my friends about it, I still cannot help but feel alone. When I think back to when my anxiety really got the best of me, I recall that very first year out of college how it utterly shattered my sense of self and all the things that I’d planned on accomplishing. ANXIETY IS THAT TOXIC FRIEND WHO LIKES TO DISTRACT YOU BY KEEPING YOU FOCUSED ON THE NEGATIVE, LACKING ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE INSTEAD OF YOUR STRENGTHS, YOUR GROWTH AND YOUR POTENTIAL FOR MORE. Back then, I would’ve had you thinking I hadn’t just graduated from a hard-ass, private institution. That I hadn’t gone on to complete a year-long thesis project, or have some great and life-changing experiences, forging connections with dope-ass,talented people. Struggling through constant disappointments and not meeting the expectations that you place on yourself can really mix you up in the head. I got so anxious about my future and so fixated on how my present did not look like anything like what I had planned for myself. I lost faith in myself thinking, “Welp! Guess this is the best I can do,” when the Ariel I wanted to be would have shouted “This is bullshit!”
Small doubts snowballed into phases of depression, which just made me further question: “what is going to become of me?” The Ariel I wanted to be is not the Ariel I am. This Ariel, anxious Ariel, is super insecure, so unsure, and very vulnerable. This Ariel was a complete stranger to me, and it made everything that much more daunting when I realized I was going to have to figure her out before I could answer that question. When you are in transition and trying to figure out your next steps, things seem loopy and repetitive. I am slowly but surely learning that there is no real “right” or “wrong” way to go about life. Just because things are very uncertain now, does not mean that they’re always going to be that way. And uncertainty is OK— it’s OK. It really is. I have quite a few people I admire, all of whom seem “secure” wherever they are in life. The irony is that while all of them seem to have a strong understanding and assurance in and of themselves; though they all convey the image of “It’s all good,” the truth is much more humbling. It’s not that my ambitious friends are immune to insecurity. It’s that they are quick to recognize and confront them. As cliche and corny it may sound, they all advise something to the extent of not giving up and trusting your process— whatever that may be. Confronting your insecurities and embracing the uncertainties, that’s half the battle. My friends realized that their anxieties are a part of the ride. And so, all of it is good. What sucks most about anxiety is that it can be a big-ass distraction— if you let it. And I do not mean to negate from the fact that anxiety is a real thing. There’s more than enough evidence to prove just how much of a big deal mental illness is, for many. But the hard lesson I’m learning about my anxiety is that if I continue to wallow in it— to let it mess with my thinking or how I view myself— I am going to waste my energy with disillusionment, constantly falling for the okie-doke. IT IS IN OUR DISCOMFORT THAT WE GROW THE MOST, DESPITE NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE IT. Getting to a place where I can truly embrace this period of my life is probably my biggest goal at this moment. I honestly don’t know why it’s so hard to embrace your own journey, while accepting and even rooting for others. But the point is that, it is. Surrendering and trusting that your efforts and energy are enough. No matter how many times you fall and fail, crash and burn, you can always bounce back. It’s tough, being that generous to yourself while being constantly tempted to compare your path to others’. But there are 7.53 billion unique people on this planet, and just as many unique and valid ways of getting to where you want to be. As reassuring as this is supposed to sound, even writing it still makes me anxious as hell. Never in my life have I ever felt so vulnerable and confused. And while society will have you thinking you need all the answers, builder’s blueprints, road maps, and a master plan, the reality is that you actually don’t. Yes, there are experts: people with experience and wisdom and loads of success (however you define it). But one key secret this “real world” is teaching me: don’t nobody know what the f*ck they doing! And that’s why it’s OK. If you find yourself being just as anxious and fighting yourself in whatever season you’re in let me be the one to tell you— YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You’re going to be OK. It is in our discomfort that we grow the most, despite not being able to see it. So yeah, it gets pretty… anxious, pretty quickly. But in the immortal words of Kendrick Lamar, “We Gon’ Be Alright.” About ArielAriel is a graduate of The College of Wooster with a degree in Communication Studies. Originally from Atlanta, Georgia, she now resides in the DMV area, and enjoys time with family and friends, and exploring the city life of D.C. When she isn't working for her community with the Homeowner's Association, Ariel participates in job shadow events and volunteers regularly. Leave a Comment Below! 👇🏾
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Featured WriterAriel Miller shares her take on the pressures of anxiety on millennial America. ArchivesCategories |